What the hell is Femdom?

Often, I get enquiries from new subs asking if they can serve me. They then chime in by promising what they can do for me - to clean my house, drive me places, be my toilet slave (ew). After I gently explain to them that dom-sub relationships are intimate relationships, just like vanilla dating, that require trials of hard work and commitment, and that the right way to establish that opportunity with me would be to build up a baseline relationship by first coming for a session with me. The next thing they do? Poof - they disappear. My utility to them is reduced to zero.

 

Such behaviours from males are amongst many, many others that stem from a problematic pornography-influenced and misogynistic pov of femdom. 

Are Femdom relations (In both casual and professional sessions and D/S), where females are hierarchically above males, empowering females? No. But some people counter: Hey, in Femdom, women are on top, how can that still be sexist? That is reverse sexism. Reverse sexism is still sexism, and that’s problematic. (Similar to BBC porn, BBC porn embodies the ironic fetishization of black men, typically through the lens of a "lesser race.")

In its true essence, Femdom is about subverting traditional gender roles, tearing down patriarchy-oriented stereotypes, and building egalitarian gender beliefs - equal rights, roles, and responsibilities for men and women. The problem lies where Femdom, without feminism, is actually the internalization of the male-oriented misogynistic gaze, where female dominants are caricatured and molded in a way that males want to see us as. Males want us to treat them the way they want us to treat them. A ‘strong’ woman pegging them? Yes. Stepping on their balls? Yes. The focus for them isn’t to build a connection with another human who has her own needs and goals in kink but to seek gratification in having their sexual desires catered to, where theirs and only their desires are what matters only.  

So what is Femdom for me? First, the values of gender egalitarianism - equal rights, roles, respect, and responsibilities for both genders. Females (both dominants and submissives) do not exist as a sexual caricature, nor should they be treated on a Madonna-whore binary by males. I do not subscribe to a natural ‘default’ hierarchical relationship between my subs and me, and by extension, exert it. My subs do what they do for me not out of a hierarchical relationship based in fantasy, but out of admiration and love for me, and I adore them for it. Much like in Asian relationships, the henpecked husband isn’t afraid of his wife, but behaves as such out of respect for her, and not due to a power imbalance in their relationship, nor is he cucked.

 

And of course, in the bedroom, the fantasies and role plays of dominance are staples of kink. We can pretend and imagine dark things without actually wanting the actual versions of them. 

As a footnote - the beauty of BDSM and our lifestyles is that these are high individualized and negotiated dynamics. As long as consent is given enthusiastically and informed risks are taken, you can will away your best kidney if it pleases her. (and you.) And as I said, we get the love we think we deserve, we get the Dominatrix we think we deserve. Take hope, and God bless.